Marriage Problems/ Relationship

My relationship with my husband was turbulent. I was desperate to gain his approval so I did everything in my power to please him, financially, physically and emotionally. I made excuses for his inability to hold down a job and contribute financially. Instead of receiving the gratitude and acceptance that I desperately needed, I faced hostility, rejection and unrelenting demands. I fell into depression although I denied it and found myself unable to cope with basic living. Over the years I had tried many different approaches, from life coaching, Neuro Linguistic programming, Tarot cards, hypnotherapy and the use of self help books. These approaches only helped me temporarily to re-invent myself to how I thought I 'should be'. And when one identity fizzled out I attended another course. As time went on the fixes stopped working and I could no longer face myself or the marriage I was in. A close friend saw how I had deteriorated over time and recommended I see Harj.

Harj listened to my explanation of the problem – I told her the marriage needed to be fixed and that I clearly was not doing enough or not doing things right. I believed that if I could meet all the demands and expectations things would get better. I spent some time going over everything that had happened, I tried to gloss over some of the problems and tried to 'package' myself and my problem to Harj - I was still in denial!

Harj did not analyse the issue with me, nor did she provide any positive or negative judgement. She just allowed me to express my feelings and thoughts openly, with a sensitive, yet impartial approach. Harj did present me with very simple logical words which quickly diminished the 'theories' I was presenting to the world**. My facade quickly fell away and I found myself being completely truthful about how I felt, and where I was really at within myself, some thoughts and feelings I had never expressed emerged. I stopped denying the situation and moved into acceptance of myself and feelings.

Once we had identified the problem, Harj diverted our attention away from 'talking' about the issues and continuous analysis, she helped to me accept that I was where I was and that I was ready to move on and that our priority was for me to be able to accept myself and stand in my self. She immediately designed a programme with me combining healing therapy, martial arts and behavioural changes in order for me to build my self-esteem, confidence and self-acceptance. Harj explained that this three prong approach would allow me to make practical long lasting changes tackling the mind, body and inner self - and introduce some discipline that did not involve over analysing or being paralysed by emotions. She asked me to switch my focus from the marriage to living.

The adjustment in me has changed the dynamics of my marriage. I finally had the confidence to tell the truth to my husband about everything I truly felt without fear, I was able to say No, and set boundaries where there were none and I gave back the responsibilities that were rightfully his. This therapy has helped me to approach the marriage with realistic expectations of myself and of him and has enhanced my ability to communicate much more clearly. We have become emotionally closer as we repair the years of emotional damage between us.

The treatment and Harj's approach has continuously provided me with the clarity I need to accept myself without judgement. This in turn has helped me to accept the people and situations in my life and I am now much more flexible in dealing with situations that are difficult to accept.

The healing therapy has calmed my emotions and I am able to use my emotions to guide me - rather than getting lost in them and being crippled by them. The martial arts have helped me to build my inner confidence and my inner belief – it has helped me to sharpen my mind and set boundaries that are appropriate for me. I have also become more flexible and adaptive physically which is manifesting in my day to day behaviours and decision making.

The approach that is used by Harj is unlike any other – no other approach that I have tried has been so effective at dealing directly with the core issues with sustained changes. Her approach did not require endless hours of continuous understanding and analysis of my problem, it did not require complicated expensive medication, and it did not require any particular level of fitness. All that was required was for to me come as myself and to use the therapeutic treatments at hand to enhance my true self and potential.

Pat Steer,
Public Sector